Dream Big, People

Lindsey: I wish there was a way we could be independently wealthy and just plot revenge against people. Then we could make her spill her coffee every morning.

Michelle: Then we'd be like, "Did you see her Facebook status? Haha!"

Lindsey: And we'd high five and be like, "We did that."

Michelle: That's what happens when you're rich enough to own gravity.

Jim Halpert, The Everyday Man

In case you haven't figured it out yet, Lindsey and I watch a lot of TV. Not a lot in the "you may have ocular lock because you've been sitting still in front of the screen too long" kind of a lot. Just the normal, "20 something women who really like soap operas, comedies, and reality TV as well as FOX news and jeopardy and really, the other shows would feel left out if we didn't watch them too" kind of a lot. It's not a problem, I swear.

Anyways, one of our long time favorites is The Office on NBC (not to be confused with the British version which we don't like). While catching up on the last few DVR'd episodes, we discovered the reason why we both like this show so much:  Jim Halpert.

 Ah, Jim. Jimmy-Jim. Jim-miney Cricket. Jim-a-rim-a-doodle.
(Sorry, got a little carried away there.)

Jim is the everyday man. He works in an office, he wears a tie and has sometimes unkempt hair. He hates party planning, eats brown bag lunches most days, and plays practical jokes on his desk neighbors.

Jim is humorous, romantic, has boyish charm, and a quick wit and he is the standard to which we measure all men.

Jim spent years.. YEARS chasing after his true love Pam, the secretary. He watched her date, get engaged to, and eventually dump her long time boyfriend. He left the office, came back to the office, dated other girls, dumped other girls, but all the while he knew who he loved. And most importantly, we knew. There are nights when we would quite literally hold our breath for those few and far between serious moments of the show when Jim and Pam would reach a crossroads in their relationship... "Kiss her! Go after her! Don't be a fool Pam Beasley, take him back! Love each other!!!" Insert heavy, teenager-esque sigh here.

Recently, we have been disappointed with the direction that the writers have taken Jim. I mean, obviously, we know him SO much better than those pesky writers. "He would NEVER do that to Pam! What? This is not seriously happening right now. Who ARE you Jim??? It's like I don't even know you anymore." Those are things we've really said. For real. (We don't have a problem, stop judging.) But tonight, we were vindicated. Spoiler alert: Jim becomes Jim again and restores our faith in the everyday man.

The reason this is so important to us is that if Jim, our Jim, our close personal friend and yard stick for a real man, can be a jerk and ruin everything.. then where is our hope? I suppose we will have to just fall back onto Plan B: Remaining single, seemingly unattached wine drinkers who are mysteriously rich and only work when absolutely necessary like Senator Dorian Lord or the great Victoria Lord from One Life to Live. (Don't even get me started on that show).

In lighter news, I would like to share with you a few couples who did indeed give us hope this week:





Nashville's Rayna James and Deacon Claybourne FINALLY confessed their undying love for one another.. probably because they wanted us to stop writing those nasty letters.






 New Girl's Nick and Jess also took heed of our letters made of magazine clippings, and at long last decided they should be in love. (I think Lindsey and I should start a match-making service this summer in all of our spare time.)








The Mindy Project's Mindy and Danny are the only hold-outs. Seriously, get it together Kaling. In fact, we've received our letters unopened and returned to sender. I'm afraid we may have to escalate to cryptic phone calls. Why can't they just be happy together? Don't they know that I know what's best for them??

Mindy and Danny: The love arrows are coming at you next.

My Roommate: The Drinking Game

Have you ever watched those shows that explore the undiscovered talents, or habits, of people who are close to you? I don't mean America's Got Talent or Bet on my Baby, I am more leaning towards the best of MTV's True Life series or Teen Mom (hey, even those girls are good at something). Well, I've recently decided to exploit something about my cohort Lindsey and turn it into a drinking game because really, what else should you do with your best friend's weird knack for remembering things?

The first thing you should know is that Lindsey has a photographic memory. I'm not talking about those people who say they have a photographic memory, she really has one. It's ridiculous, although very handy at our weekly trivia nights. Lindsey remembers everything. In fact, I don't think I've ever once, in the 5 years I've known her, heard her utter the words " I don't remember." Conversations where we need to recall things generally go a little something like this:

Michelle: Blah, blah, blah happened on a Thursday like a year ago I think.
Lindsey: Actually, it was a Wednesday and it was June 17th, 2009 at 4:13 pm. I remember because we were watching General Hospital and It was the day that Dr. Drake saved Robin's life and I briefly stopped to look at the time because I had a dentist appointment the next day and needed to floss.
Michelle: You remember all that about a day that was 4 years ago?
Lindsey: I have a photographic memory.

(This may be a dramatization) (But, it's also pretty accurate)

For five years I have ignored this little talent of Lindsey's and finally, now that my heavy drinking days are behind me, I have decided to use it for entertainment purposes.

How it Works

1. Give Lindsey a category (i.e. state capitals, brands of chocolate, football teams that have never won anything in their entire history, breeds of dogs, etc.) The more obscure, the better.
2. Have a list of all things in said category.
3. Be amazed as she rattles off nine out of ten items in each category as if she's been cramming for a final on it all night.
4. Everyone drinks when she misses, which is like, never.

I have singlehandedly invented the first ever educational drinking game in which you probably be sober at the end.

It sounds lame, but I tested it with state capitals tonight and let me just tell you..I was on the edge of my seat. And now I know that Carson City is the capital of Nevada, or Nebraska, or..well, I'll just go ask Lindsey.

Real things we've actually said.

Today I was doing some online spring cleaning (my Pinterest Boards have never been so organized!) and I came across this conversation that was catalogued and saved for a time much after it had actually taken place so that no one could be implicated. Please enjoy.

While doing a little Walgreens shopping...

Michelle: I ran into Aladdin* last week.

Lindsey: Oh? You're just telling me about this?

M: Yea. Because I saw him, I've been thinking about him. I thought I should mention it.

L: Maybe you should just call him. Get him out of your system.

M: What if that doesn't work? What if it makes me hate him? Or worse, what if I like him even more?

L: I say just go for it.

M: I'm going for some Swedish Fish. I've been wanting them for over a week.

L: Didn't you just have some yesterday?

M: Yes, yes I did. And it did NOT get them out of my system.

L: It didn't? Did it make you like them even more? Or just make you want a casual relationship with them?

M: We're not friends anymore.


Obviously, the asterisk indicates that names have been changed. We clearly don't know someone named Aladdin. Or do we...

Couch Poll-tato

A (one sided) conversation that happened on the couch, while we were taking an online poll about TV show hosts.

Lindsey: How is Carson Daly possibly winning this poll right now? Ryan Seacrest is totally a better host than him.

Michelle: (Deer in headlights stare)

Lindsey: You picked Nick Cannon, didn't you?

Michelle: (Continues deer in headlights stare)

Lindsey: Unbelievable. 
 

The Facebook Phenomenon

I'd like to take a few moments to discuss here the phenomenon which is Facebook. 

We all (or most of us) have a Facebook page. It is way to communicate with your friends, share your experiences, and lose entire block of time to staring at your computer screen. After seeing the Facebook movie a few years ago, I actually gained a little bit of patience with the constant updates, the changes to the formatting, and the incessant need to keep updating my privacy settings. Those are the things we all complain about all the time, the ways we are all mutually inconvenienced by Mark Zuckerberg every 6 weeks or so when he and his team of social networkers come up with something new and different for us all to learn and navigate through. 

But that is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to talk about things that exist because of Facebook. Allow me to explain. 

The Facebook Generation

I am not sure if this is a real thing or not, but it should be. I am just a little bit too (gasp) old to be a member of the Facebook generation because when I was joining Facebook it was still in its stages of exclusivity when you had to have a college email address in order to join and MySpace was still all the rage for high school students and members of the working class. But as Facebook evolved and became less stringent in its membership requirements, younger and younger Facebookers began making their way into the world. 

Thus, the Facebook generation was born. These are the people who have spent their entire adolescence and time there after with access to Facebook. These individuals never lived in a world where there wasn't a status you could update every time you went to the gym or ate a sandwich. You know the mark of a person from the Facebook Generation because they update their status more than others who had to say... text their friends in order to let them know that Channing Tatum has a new movie coming out. This is not to say one way of Facebooking is better than another, but that there is in fact a difference between Facebookers from different generations. 

Terminology

There are new words in my vocabulary which did not exist before Facebook. Words that I just used freely in my last rant. Words like Facebooking, Facebookers and my next point... Facebook Stalking. 

Facebook Stalking

You can admit it here. You've done it. We all have. It is SUPER easy to do. And sometimes it opens up a black hole that just keeps leading you from person to person to person and then the next thing you know, it's 2 o'clock in the morning and you've been looking at the Facebook for that one girl from your sophomore history class' cousin's brother's friends mom.... and you really aren't sure how you got into this predicament. 

Just today I had to admit to Michelle that I was looking at the Facebook page for the mother of a person that I barely know, who's Facebook page I found through a twisty path of Facebook Stalking shame and dishonor. 

Over-Shares

We all know one or two over sharers. And these people probably don't realize they do it. But they do. There are some things I do not need to know about you, I promise. So please stop telling them to me ad nauseam. (Note: Over sharers are not just limited to statuses. They might also over share with e-cards, LOL cats, internet memes or pictures.) 

*Please note that there is a time and a place for sharing a lot on Facebook. And that is when you are the member of groups which encourage sharing about a topic or event. Not just you, posting inappropriate statuses. There are chat rooms for that. 

High School Reunions

While I am sure Facebook is helpful in facilitating high school reunions, that is not actually what I am referring to at the present moment. Facebook enables us to stay in touch with people we otherwise might never see or hear from again, unless we happen to run into them when both home for Christmas and picking up a last minute can of mixed nuts at Walgreens so Grandma can finish the Chex-Mix before serving the pre-appetizer snacks. And while it is nice that Facebook keeps you in touch with people you may want to still have in your lives, there is still that pesky little fact that Facebook keeps you in touch with those that you'd rather forget. 

And there you have a non-comprehensive review of the Facebook Phenomenon. Or at least what The Couch Potato Princesses believe the Facebook Phenomenon to be. 

Hey Pinterest- Don't get cocky, I'm coming for you next!

My love hate relationship with Peggy. (minus the love part)

Lindsey and I consider ourselves pretty lucky to live in a nice apartment complex. There are gates at the entrances, a gym, a dog park, a tennis court, a pool - all anyone could ask for as far as amenities go ( well, not all, but I won't get into that now). There is even a motley staff in the office who we often liken to various television characters (such as Morgan from The Mindy Project) and who are really quite friendly, or at minimum entertaining. All save one. All except Peggy.

Whenever I see Peggy's name on a flyer or hear her voice I make a face. I make this face because I do not like Peggy. There I said it, I don't like her. There are a lot of things in this life that I do like.. Kittens, rainbows, macaroni and cheese, surprise gift cards at Easter (thanks mom!), but Peggy is not one of them. I so dislike her that I actually find it quite taxing to be nice to her at all, despite my typical nice girl problems (see previous posts). You may find yourself asking "But why, Michelle? Why can't you be nice to this little office lady but you can be nice to the old-enough-to-be-your-father creeper who won't stop chewing your ear off in the subway line?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

The first reason I don't like Peggy is that we had a terrible first encounter. One summer day last year, I was out by the pool in the hopes of burning my pale arms into blissful tanned submission. As you can imagine, this sent my body into all kinds of shock including, but not limited to thirst. Being a native Floridian I had obviously thought ahead and brought a tumbler full of ice cold water, however I had been in the sun for so long that my once refreshing beverage had now become nothing more than bath water. Ew. I was ready to test the strength of my immune system by drinking from the water fountain when I recalled that the clubhouse had a perfectly good refrigerator and freezer inside, a freezer which housed ice that was often used for resident event nights. Now, in my defense I was pretty sure that when we moved in someone had told us there were water bottles and things in that fridge for anyone to consume, but out of politeness I decided it was silly to ask for a whole bottle of water when all I really needed was a few ice cubes. So, in I went - perfectly dry, shoes and shirt on. Once inside I realized the freezer was locked, yes, locked (these people are obviously touchy about their maytags), so I went up and introduced myself to Peggy, the new office hostess. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Hello, I'm Michelle! I am a resident here, you must be new!
Peggy: Hello. What can I do for you?
Me: Well, I was out by the pool and my ice melted in my cup, I was just wondering if I could have a few ice cubes from the freezer to cool it down..
Peggy: Residents are supposed to provide their own ice.
Me: Oh well. I just thought I would ask since I noticed the freezer full of ice the other night at the resident event.
Peggy: (huffy sigh, jingling keys, stomping past me to the freezer)
Me: Oh.. Well, thank you! I'm so sorry to bother you but I really appreciate it!
Peggy:(deadly silence as she personally fills the ice in my cup so high that I can no longer put the lid on)
Me: Ok..well, have a nice..um..day..
This was the first time I realized two things about Peggy. One, she has an attitude problem and two, she hates people. The first of those issues is apparent every time you interact with her which is the second reason I don't like Peggy. Some people are just grumpy, and I've come to terms with that but when you are grumpy and rude, then that's just ridiculous. Every time Peggy answers the phone her voice is dripping with disdain.
"What's that? Your dryer is broken and maintenance hasn't shown up yet? Too bad, I could care less and no, I don't have time to call you back to confirm the problem has been resolved. I'm super busy here in the office."
Unacceptable, Peggy, just be friendly.
I'm probably being a little unfair. I mean, she is nice... Just not to people. The last reason I dislike Peggy is because she will only be kind to you if you have a dog by your side. It's true, I can't make this stuff up people! I walk in one day, sans dog, and get the typical treatment from Peggy. The very next day I decide to go on a walk with Abbie, my dog, and stop in the office to pick up a package and voila! Brand new Peggy. She smiled. At me. And she pet my dog while talking in a baby voice. Dogs are obviously Peggy's kryptonite.

I like to imagine that Peggy is miserable only because her dream of conducting a travelling dog circus with her veterinarian husband Marcelo was dashed when Spot and Pepper her twin Dalmatians ran away from home in the early 2000's. There are some things in life you truly never recover from.

Or maybe she just really doesn't like me.

You tell me which is the more plausible answer.

*Names have been changed to protect the grumpy dog lovers.